


Where You Are

by DGCatAniSiri



Category: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-17 20:05:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2321672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few moments of solitude before things hit the fan at the Citadel Station, and Atton and the Exile have some things lingering between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where You Are

It was quiet on the Ebon Hawk. Perhaps it was cliché to say that it was too quiet, but that was what they all felt. The entire crew knew that when they dropped out of hyperspace, when they reached Citadel Station, everything would have changed. Kreia had revealed herself to be Sith, she’d taken the Handmaiden, and the rest of the Sith would soon be there. The things that needed to be said had to happen now, or they never would.

Atton looked over the various controls, keeping them on course for the Citadel. It wasn’t really necessary. The autopilot was fully capable of taking over if he needed to get T3 could handle it, if Atton was willing to hand over the controls to the bleeping trash compactor. Or he could give the controls over to Bao-Dur, or the Disciple. Maybe Mira, though Atton didn’t know if she’d ever actually piloted a ship before. But it was his job on the ship, so he kept at it.

Normally, the others let him have this area of the ship to himself. At a time like this, with everyone preparing for combat, he expected that it would be even quieter than normal.

That was why the soft steps of the Miraluka surprised him. “If you wish to speak with him, you should do so now.” 

“What?” Atton didn’t understand her, but then, the Miraluka had been so cryptic since she’d come on board, that wasn’t really surprising. 

“There may be no further chance to discuss the things that matter most after what will occur when we reach Telos. When he faces... my master. I pray that he has been prepared enough, but...” Despite the veil over the upper half of her face, and the fact that Miraluka didn’t have eyes, it felt like she was staring right at Atton, a stare that sent a shiver down his spine and made him truly LISTEN to her. “If you wish to speak with him, you should do so now.” There seemed to be a deep significance to her repetition of the statement.

There was only one ‘him’ she could be referring to, but Atton couldn’t particularly understand why she felt the need to be so adamant about him speaking with the Exile. _Poor bastard’s been through enough. He doesn’t need me bothering him like everyone else on this ship._

“I don’t think there’s anything that we really need to discuss,” Atton said. “And even if there were, I don’t need you telling me what to do.” He hadn’t particularly interacted with the Miraluka since she’d come on board, though he’d found her obsession with the Exile a little unsettling, not a whole lot better than the Handmaiden’s. 

But she stayed there for a long moment. “You keep as much hidden as he does. Perhaps more. But you both hold a... longing. I have tried to give him what he needs, but I know that I cannot provide him what he wants. I believe that you... can.” There was a note of regret in her voice. She had been in love with Exile herself, but... had he turned her down? That was what it sounded like.

Atton didn’t respond to her, just waited until he heard her walking away from the cockpit. He sat and considered things for a few minutes. He glanced to the chrono over the navicomputer, seeing that they were still a good way out from Telos. It would be some time yet before they arrived at the Citadel. When he heard the whirring of the T3 unit approach the cockpit, he sighed.

“Hey, you.” 

The T3 chirped, seeming surprised that Atton was talking to him. The ‘head’ of the droid cocked inquisitively.

“I just know I’m gonna regret this, but I need someone to watch the controls. You’re it.”

The T3 bleeped at him, which Atton assumed was an agreement. As much as he hated it, he stood up and headed down the walkway. Taking a shot in the dark, and ignoring the floating volleyball who’d taken up residence in the main hold and seemed to never leave it, he walked to where the old witch had set herself up in. Sure enough, sitting there in the middle of the room, looking like the weight of the galaxy was on his shoulders, was the Exile, Dak Hain (Atton had always figured that was an alias, but he wasn’t in a position to judge regarding that, so he’d never pushed for any other name). His shortly cropped dark hair looked like he’d run his hands through it a few times. 

He’d obviously heard Atton approach. Or maybe felt it in the Force. Even though he’d shown Atton how to draw on the Force, Atton still hadn’t grown comfortable with how much he could reach out and feel things or people, which had led him to generally spend much of his time trying to metaphorically hold the Force off at arms’ length. But he knew that Dak had been pleased to regain his connection to the Force and had come to utilize it in subtler ways than he had before he’d lost it at Malachor V. He looked up at Atton on his arrival. “Is there something I can do for you, Atton?”

Suddenly, Atton couldn’t think. He just stood there for a moment, not even able to come up with some witty remark. “I... Uhm, the... We should be at Telos in a few hours.”

“Thank you Atton.” Dak took a moment, then looked back to him. “Is there something else?”

No risk, no gain... “I... guess I could ask you the same. The Miraluka came up to the cockpit, saying that... You might need to talk to someone. Seemed to... think it should be me.”

That got a reaction from Dak. Even with Atton’s limited Force senses, he could feel Dak’s surprise. Atton couldn’t pin down what was so surprising, though. It was enough, though, to get Dak to pull himself up out of his meditative lotus posture. “What made her think that?” Dak asked. 

“Not sure. She did say that uh... If there was anything to say, to you... It should happen now.” Why was it that Atton could face down Sith trained in the dark arts and the beasts of Dxun and was intending to stand by the Exile’s side when he went up against that old witch who had treated his mind like it was hers to rifle through, yet now he was acting like a tongue-tied teenager? It seemed ridiculous, but here he was.

And then Dak surprised him again. “Atton... Before you say anything, you should know... When I... When the Council spoke to me... They said that I use the Force to... pull people to me, compel them to act against their own nature. And I worry that they were right.”

“The Council were always talking out of their asses,” Atton said, surprising himself this time with how quick the defense leapt to his lips. “I was there when you talked to that wrinkled old prune Vrook, remember? He refused to believe you’d found the Force again, even after seeing you use it during the battle. And I remember how the Council were willing to let the Outer Rim burn and die so that they could sit in their ivory towers.” He took a couple of steps closer to Dak, close enough that he could, if he wanted, reach out and touch him, but far enough back to resist that temptation.

“This is... different, Atton. They weren’t wrong. You’ve seen it. You’ve experienced it. You never had to stay by me. The minute we hit Telos, you could have left Kreia and me behind.”

While it would have simplified his life by magnitudes, Atton was glad he hadn’t. “And you think that it’s because of this Force bond that I stuck around?”

“You didn’t know me. And you definitely didn’t like Kreia.”

“Yeah, next time listen to me, why don’t you?” Atton’s words were said without malice, even delivered with a smile. 

It got a small chuckle from Dak, though he didn’t let the brief smile stick around. “My point is, you could have left, looked out for your own skin. Instead you stayed with me.”

“And you’re afraid it’s because of this Force bond? That’s a load of bantha poodoo. I’m here because I chose to stay by your side. Me. Not the Force.” That and the old witch blackmailing him into it, but that would just undermine his point. “I chose to be here, with you. And I chose to tell you about my past.” The words were out before he thought about them, but they managed to send a shot of guilt through him as an uncomfortable thought occurred to him. If he did give in to the temptation of trying to push for something with Dak, what would that express itself as, something healthy and functional, or a kind of love that would compel him to kill?

Would he kill Dak? Would he kill for him? Well, the second question had long been answered – Atton had fought off plenty of bounty hunters on Nar Shaddaa alone in the name of defending Dak. But when he tried to picture Dak lying on the ground, his blood on Atton’s hands... The thought repulsed him, in a way Atton hadn’t realized that he could be so affected by. No, that much was certain. He couldn’t kill Dak. He would die before letting that happen.

Maybe that was what real love, the good kind, the kind he’d never let himself stick around long enough to develop, was supposed to be like.

He was finally beginning to understand why the Miraluka had told him to come down and speak to Dak.

And here he was, standing in front of Dak, telling him that he hadn’t stayed with him because of any Force bonds or whatever. It was his choice.

“My choice,” he repeated aloud. “I chose to stand beside you. And I’ll keep standing by you, for as long as you want me to. Because I want to be here. I want to stand here with you. The Jedi are wrong. If there’s one thing I’ve taken away from the Mandalorian Wars, from the Jedi Civil War... from the way they’ve treated you, it’s that the Jedi Council can be wrong, that they make mistakes. And they made the biggest mistake of their lives every time they dealt with you. They cast you out instead of trying to understand what happened to you, and now they’ve paid the consequences for that.” Atton’s eyes locked on to Dak’s, and he found himself speaking without thinking. “I choose to be here. I choose to be with you.”

For a long moment, they both said nothing, holding each other’s gaze. Then Atton found himself pulling towards Dak, his eyes closing as his lips neared Dak’s own. The kiss was gentle, one of the few times that Atton could recall that he felt that he needed to be gentle. Dak had suffered so much that had left its scars on him, he didn’t want this to do the same. 

_I better not have said something like that out loud..._

Dak returned the kiss, pulling him close, telling Atton that he hadn’t been wrong in him having wanted to be with Dak like this. It had been a private fantasy, one he’d kept buried under any number of pazaak games. The old witch had seen through it, but Dak... Dak had apologized for reading the pazaak game, and had never seemed to have dug beyond that. 

They eventually had to pull back enough to breathe. Dak didn’t let go of him for a moment, though. When he did, Atton could see that he hadn’t wanted to. “I shouldn’t...”

“Dak...” Atton could tell he was trying to talk himself out of this already, and that was the last thing that Atton wanted him to do.

Dak stepped back, shaking his head. “Atton... What we’re about to do could... If something happens to me, to you...”

There was something to what Dak was saying. Atton could admit that. But he didn’t believe that meant that they shouldn’t have what they could take right now. “I know regrets, Dak. Believe me, I do. So ask yourself this. If either or both of us do die in this fight... What would you regret most?” Atton reached for Dak’s hand, relieved when Dak let him entwine their fingers. “Because me? I’d regret not... being with you. However that means. If I die, I want to be able to tell myself that I made the most of what little time we had together.” He wanted a lot. There were all sorts of thoughts in his mind of how to show Dak how he felt. But he would let Dak set the pace.

For a long moment, Dak was silent. He held on to Atton’s hand the whole time, as if savoring the sensation of their hands pressed together. Atton couldn’t piece together what Dak would ultimately decide, knowing that the other man was used to thinking tactically, having to consider not just this move but three moves ahead as well. Atton had always been more of a short-term thinker, given his tendency to have his life endangered. Why worry about tomorrow when you might be dead at the end of today?

Finally, Dak pulled Atton’s hand up to his head, allowing Atton to cup his face. He looked at Atton with a smile, one tinged with sadness. “Atton, you don’t know what it means to me that... that you want this. I spent so long with the Jedi, who tell you that... these feelings are dangerous, and yet... What I’ve felt for you has been part of what’s kept me going. If this is a failing, I’ll never succeed.” Atton knew what was coming. “But... Atton, if what I feel will happen next is right, I... WE can’t let ourselves embrace these feelings.” 

He knew. Atton had been aware of it in the back of his mind. Kreia would use any of Dak’s attachments against him if she could. She’d send that corpse-looking Sith Lord against him, probably wanting him to take Atton’s head and mount it or something, a tool to break Dak. Whatever came of things, if Dak had to face Kreia, which seemed more and more likely to be the ultimate result of this the more Atton thought about it, he would have to do it alone. Otherwise, he’d be more concerned about those who accompanied him, and Kreia would use that distraction against him.

Reluctantly, Atton let his hand slide away from Dak’s face. “I know. But...” 

Dak smiled, knowing what he couldn’t get out. “It’s been unsaid for too long. I understand.”

He still wanted more. And Atton could see the want in Dak’s eyes as well. But he had to make himself back away from him. Reluctantly, Atton pulled back, moving to the door. He wanted more, but Dak had been right about why they couldn’t.

He was almost out the doorway when Dak’s voice stopped him. “Atton?” He turned, looking back. “When this is over? When we stop Kreia and the Sith? There will be time then. We’ll find each other.”

From anyone else, Atton would have heard that as hollow words, meant to offer comfort but were meaningless. From Dak, he knew them to be a promise. This would end. They would find each other. They would make the time that they needed. “Absolutely.”


End file.
